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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23482042">Meaningless Paranoia</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Otori0/pseuds/Otori0'>Otori0</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Original Work</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Feels, F/F, Just something random I wrote, Suicide, please dont repost or steal</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 08:09:29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>831</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23482042</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Otori0/pseuds/Otori0</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Even after she said goodbye, nothing changed. Time and the seasons passed at the same speed than before. I took a deep breath as my feet dragged the snow in front of me, remembering how I spent the month after her death.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Meaningless Paranoia</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>~ Meaningless Paranoia ~ </p><p>Even after she said goodbye, nothing changed. Time and the seasons passed at the same speed than before. I took a deep breath as my feet dragged the snow in front of me, remembering how I spent the month after her death.</p><p>The night she left, I didn't cry. Instead, I found myself unable to move a finger and lied in my bed, deprived of sleep. My dark, long hair curled slightly and decorated the dull, white matress. It was a sight I was more than used to see. But usually, there was someone else by my side.</p><p>I wondered just how long would that night be. It felt like it was eternal and endless, as each minute felt overwhelming. I kept staring at the walls with nothing better to do. In the meanwhile, to occupy myself with something, useless questions flooded through my mind. </p><p>''Why did she do that?'' I asked myself. But questioning what happened was meaningless, and in fact I was more aware of the answer than anyone else. ''That's right, it was my fault.''</p><p>More than focusing on the reason, it made sense to focus on the future. In the mangas and novels she loved, it usually worked out if you had friends who supported you. No matter the hardships they had to go through, the main characters would stand up again. I couldn't understand how couldn't they get tired of that. Fighting against fate sounded tiring. </p><p>I softly started humming her favorite song, which was mine as well. No one was there to hear it, but that didn't matter anymore. I was here, after all. </p><p>I closed my eyes, even though sleeping was likely impossible at this point. I just wanted to feel like I was in a whole different place. Maybe in that place I would be able to find her again. To take her hand and touch her face. </p><p>''I will wait…'' I sing in a quiet voice. </p><p>Yeah, I would wait forever if needed, but that would change nothing at all. The fact that she die would stay unchanged and the fact that I was alone now, too. It was what I deserve, and it didn't feel exactly painful. I didn't have the right to feel pain. That was why I couldn't cry either.</p><p>After some days, I lost track of time. Whenever the night came or the sun rose, I didn't <br/>care. My parents were noisy and told me to get ahold of myself, but I would close the door to my room and simply ignore them. They couldn't understand me, not without knowing the feeling of losing your most beloved one. And she died because of me, which just made everything worse.</p><p>One day, I decided to cut my hair. It was really long, since I decided to let it grow for years and years. I don't know why I cut it, but I felt like it. At first, I had intended to cut it up to the elbow, but in the end it barely touched my shoulders. </p><p>''Now that I remember, hers was also this length, wasn't it…'' I thought, sitting down in my chair and taking a sip of my already cold coffee. It tasted bad. Everything tasted bad lately.</p><p>One month passed. It felt like a lot more, but checking the date I realized that we were only in february. Still winter, and it showed at the way that the city was covered in white. </p><p>My parents seemed really surprised when they saw me put my shoes on and leave the house. After one month of being shut in my room, I finally met the sun and the cold of the streets. The snow melted as soon as it touched the ground, and it was beautiful. </p><p>Some people I recognized stared at me, some of them murmuring things to one another, probably pitying me. How stupid. They didn't know just how big the crime I commited was. I had no right to be looked at with those sympathetic eyes.</p><p>''Ah, I'm starting to feel sick.''</p><p>I sat in a bench, hoping that it would help me calm down a bit. I took a deep breath as my feet dragged the snow in front of me, remembering how I spent the month after her death.</p><p>I really was shameless, wasn't I. I lead to my lover's suicide and then stayed unchanging, not even crying or feeling sad for anything. I didn't even contact her family nor apologize to them. After all the harm I caused… </p><p>However, it would be pointless to just go and apologize now. Her family would be probably troubled too, and they probably didn't want to meet me. Someday, if I became a decent person and recalled how to cry and smile… maybe that day, I would go and say sorry to all the people I harmed.</p><p>For now, staying like this was okay. I hoped that she would forgive me, just for now.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks for reading!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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